Book a Sales Engagement
PRICING

Transparent pricing.
Opaque outcomes.

Three tiers, each priced to reflect the amount of dignity you're willing to trade for uptime. Egress fees calculated via dart throw.

STARTUP BANANA

For teams who don't know better yet

$999 per month, plus a "small" onboarding fee we invent later
  • 1 shared server, location undisclosed
  • Brainfuck starter kit & a laminated cheat sheet
  • Email support (read receipts disabled)
  • 1 monkey, part-time, easily distracted
  • Uptime SLA: none, but we'll feel bad about it
Get Started
SCALE GORILLA

For teams who should know better by now

$9,999 per month, billed in bananas or invoiced, our choice
  • Dedicated rack, in the good shed
  • Full Pascal + COBOL migration, whether you asked or not
  • 24/7 support (24 minutes, 7 days a decade)
  • 3 monkeys, one of whom is very senior
  • Quarterly business review, mostly apologies
Talk to Sales
ENTERPRISE SILVERBACK

For teams with a legal department already on retainer

Contact Sales firstborn children accepted in lieu of payment
  • Dedicated troop, on-site, unionised
  • Custom Malbolge development (staging only, allegedly)
  • White-glove migration, boxing gloves also provided
  • Named account monkey with a business card
  • SLA negotiated, then quietly forgotten by Q2
Request Pricing
All prices exclude egress fees, ingress fees, "vibes" fees, banana futures market volatility, and the Arch Linux update that broke everything the morning of your launch. Prices subject to change based on how the meeting is going.
A monkey throwing a dart at a dartboard labeled EGRESS FEES
Our actual egress fee calculation method Photography: authentic, unfortunately
Two monkeys in a wood-paneled office signing a contract with a quill pen
Enterprise Silverback, being finalised Photography: authentic, unfortunately
FAQ

Frequently panicked questions.

Do you offer a free trial?

Technically yes. Practically, the trial environment is the same shed, and the monkey assigned to you is the one still in training.

Can I downgrade my plan?

You can ask. Whether it happens depends on which monkey answers the phone and whether it's a banana day.

What happens if I miss a payment?

Your infrastructure is gradually and lovingly reassigned to Brainfuck, one function at a time, until you notice.

Is the firstborn child clause legally binding?

Our legal team is a monkey with a stapler. Draw your own conclusions.